Affirmation

Love thoughts again today. I remember the long talk (well, it was more of a debate actually) i had with my 2nd eldest brother - vince. He was so against my getting married until lately...

Just to let you know, my kuya always say that I am his extension. That we share the same principles and desires in life and that all that he failed to achieve, I will attain.. That is why this marrying idea gave him the 'heartbreak'. Perhaps, he can not accept the fact that i am no longer a baby. O well, I have been one for too long a time that he got used to it.. actually, the entire family got used to it.

So about the debate...
He put on too many questions on me about how I feel, of how I see myself or what made me think I am ready for 'it' and how do I even know 'he is the one for me'. At any rate, I think I was pretty clever in dealing with his interrogation. I even surprised him because for the first time I did not give in to his hypotheses. I stood up for what I felt.. for my decisions.

But truth of the matter is,behind my victory over the 'battle', I was breaking my own heart. You see, I always look up to him. To his ideals and principles in life. I always entrusted decisions to him. And him on the other hand, has been there for me (and for the entire family as well) for the longest time. He has been more than a brother to me.. more like my second Father. And when I say, he's there. As in his there the first time I cried or the first time I learned how to dance and sing. He was the one who supported me in college. Sometimes he even knows what I like more than I do myself (weird huh?). And this time, he thinks marriage is not what I want. That I would be better off somewhere else. Or to marry like some few more years from now. I love my kuya so much that it hurts me to see him disappointed of me. Well it hurts me all the more not being able to do the only thing he ever asked me to do... to pass on with the marriage. I waited to come at this age and be able to pay back all that he has done for me. Now that it has come, I cant even do it. He even asked me in a metaphorical manner, to choose between him and Richard. It actually took me a while to let it out.. It hurts so much seeing him the way he looked and reacted when my reply sank into him..

Of all the things we discussed my stand boils into one. That i want to spend my life only with Richard and that I will love nobody else but him. And there is just no better time to marry him than when he asked me to. You see, I do believe love is not just plain emotion. One that changes given certain circumstances or conditions. Love is a DECISION. A decision you make in life to love that person with all yourself no matter what the circumstance or the condition is. It can be a constant emotion if you choose it to be. I dont say you decide right away, like with the first boyfriend or girl you have. Like I mentioned before, I am just lucky to have found Richard the first time I fell in love. Had I met him like only now, it would be the same thing. But then, I am equally aware that in relationships you may come to a point like giving up. It is never a perfect world after all. It's just a matter of how you deal with situations. How your judgement surface with your emotions. But the question is:

If you do love someone too much, when is it enough? When is it time to call it quits?

I am not up to telling you how I answered this.. But I'll tell you what my Fiance instantly replied back to me when I asked him..

"N E V E R..."

I broke into tears right then and there... And I told myself.. I am really home..